Bill O’Reilly Angry, Explodes

Bill O'Reilly Bursts Into A Sphere of Anger, Opinion,
Self-righteousness - Later Exlplodes, Presumed Dead, No Body Found

Death Notice:

(Popular Commentator / American Culture Warrior / Asshole)

Bill O'Reilly died Monday evening during an interview with Muslim clerics. Local police have described the event as a “combustible temper tantrum,” as O’Reilly literally exploded into a fiery ball of ethnic slurs, arrogance, opinion, and self-righteousness.

As O’Reilly attempted to “cut the mic,” one Muslim cleric continued, prompting O’Reilly to tell him to “Shut up, you Philistine, you Terrorist, you Sand Nigger!” Angry at his technical staff, and as the insults grew in both volume and splendor, Bill O’Reilly began ripping large chunks of wood and plastic from his desk, as he elevated from his chair, hair standing on end, his head then burst into flames.

Witnesses said that within a flash, Bill O’Reilly was nothing more than a spinning wheel of gas, fury, and blind assumptions.

The broadcast will not be aired, since O’Reilly streaked off the set, bouncing from floor to ceiling, into walls, through the hallway, into corridors, and eventually igniting everything in his path on fire. (Kinda like the dude on the Fantastic 4. Just this time, the building caught on fire.)

O’Reilly took down the entire Fox News Building with him, as a stunned crowd of thousands stood in the street in awe as one floor after another simply vanished in smoke filled rubble, till nothing was left other than a wheezing 800 square foot hole in the ground. At this time, terrorism has not yet been ruled out.

As a requisite protocol, President George W. Bush was taken from his nightly diction class and rushed to his make shift fort that he made out of boxes and pillows in his bedroom at The White House.

Dick Cheney was later debriefed on the incident, only after being interrupted by the POTUS for Dick to sing him his nightly bedtime song.

Bill O’Reilly, Culture Warrior, Commentator, all around American asshole; dead at the age of 58

In Memoriam

Bill O’Reilly, host of the controversial "The O'Reilly Factor" was at once the most controversial and thoroughly enjoyable news pundit on the Fox News Channel. No one had quite the “polarizing” effect as Bill O’Reilly; while at once serving as the voice “of the common man, crusading for the very roots of American Culture,” at the same time shoving his head so far up his ass that crew members on set would at times pass out from the vile stench protruding from the noises of this arrogant wind bag. Shouting matches (which frequently occurred) usually transcended comedy and came quite near the specter of Conservative politics.

It’s really too bad that his time is up, because his blend of news analysis with investigative reporting, "The Factor" has gained international prominence as “The Number One Show!” (USA Today) - to cause people to either kick their television sets over, or beat their spouses with a sack full of rocks.

He claimed to be the unwavering bedrock of Social Conservatism who dismissed such progressive notions as “fact, truth and sensibility.” He went the other way, sticking to his guns of “God, Family, and Xenophobia.” His controversial “tough question” style really helped define the term “Ugly American” or “Stupid American” since his show was broadcasted in over 30 countries. And his popularity in the United States rather reflects who we are, or who we hate, since “The Radio Factor,” a two hour call in program, is heard on more than 400 stations in the United States and has become one of the most profitable radio franchises in the nation.

Bill O’Reilly’s opinions, rants, and languid prose are simply summed up like this: it kind of feels like you’re being smothered by a sandwich… it sort of tastes good, but still, you’re dying.

It was never quite sure if O’Reilly knew what he was saying before he said it; becoming famous for such remarks as (when questioning the US Ambassador to Iraq):

TRANSCRIPT: “You’re a terrorist; don’t even bother to deny it. You’d just assume kill innocent women and children, even your own mother!”

And other memorable quotes such as:

TRANSCRIPT: “So, we have these “guest workers” these Mexicans, whatever you want to call them, spicks, illegals… who we have to pay for their medical needs, they sell drugs, don’t work, and now, I’m expected to learn Spanish! And this is The United States of America what the Democrats want to do to our country…”

And his most famous position:

TRANSCRIPT: “So, we lost 27 soldiers today, but remember… it’s just a step in winning the war on terror. So, have trust in our President, I know I do, and don’t forget that he stated… for every American Soldier killed, we’ll retaliate by killing several hundred thousand unarmed Arab civilians until the blood shed stops. It makes perfect sense to me. I don’t know why people have such a hard time understanding this.”

In his spare time, Bill O’Reilly used to like to take naps.

IT'S ABOUT TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Death Notice
Fidel Castro (81) was officially pronounced dead this morning at 10:03 EST by a panel of physicians and politicans who finally came to a consensus.

“President Castro is dead, and has been for quite some time now,” stated Dr. Abuial Mashirishi, one of the world’s leading gastro-intestinal physicians in the world, who examined President Castro more than two weeks ago.

“When I first examined him, I found him to be quite cold and not breathing,” Dr. Mashirishi continued, “however, party officials simply dismissed my original diagnosis as being politically motivated.”

Dr. Mashirishi from the Cambridge Institute of Gastro-Intestinal diseases continued, “I also do NOT appreciate the fact that I go to sleep one night in my London apartment only to be woken the next morning with a terrible headache, being shoved around from car to car with a hood over my head! A simple request to come to Cuba to examine The President would have been sufficient!”

When later detained and questioned about his loyalty to the party, Dr. Mashirishi explained to the interrogators that he was born in India, and studied medicine in London.

Dr. Mashirishi elaborated, “I explained to The President’s brother, Raul, and other members in the room that President Castro is dead. He was diagnosed quite some time ago with an intestinal infection, and that nature had finally taken its course. They simply would not accept this fact. Raul, responded with:
‘No, he’s not.’
And I reply:
‘Yes, he is.’
And again,
‘No, he’s not’
And I respond with:
‘Yes, he is.’
And again,
‘No, he’s not.’
And I responded with:
‘Yes, he is.’
And again,
‘No, he’s not.’
And this went on for quite some time,” Dr. Mashirishi reported.

Fidel Castro, The longtime President of Cuba, announced dead this morning, from complications due to an intestinal infection, he was 81 years old.

In Memoriam:

Fidel Castro, Cuban revolutionary, overthrew the Batista government on January 8, 1959, while he jubilantly rolled into Havana to a raucous mob that began rioting, looting, and basically tearing down the place.

Castro was never really quite sure what to call himself, the former long time President of Cuba; Castro enjoyed a brief stint as “The Prime Minister of Cuba”, then later the First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba, then led the transformation of a one party Socialist Republic where he became The Council of State, as well as The Council of The Ministers, he then awarded himself the rank of Commander in Chief.

Castro always had an uncanny knack of playing both revolutionary and international statesman, restructuring his country’s political system every 2 years or so, and betraying his friends. Through an interesting foreign policy approach of going to the UN and other countries (including the Vatican) with a mixture of disdainful vehemence while holding his hat out looking for aid; Castro never really made it that clear as to what he stood for and seemed to do a masterful job of systematically screwing up his country.

One of his most famous friendships betrayed was that of Ernesto “Che” Guevara. While attempting to be the face of an international statesman who declared himself the voice of the people, it was brought to his attention that he really needed to shed the clothes of an instigating rebel. Castro decided it would be a good political move to strand his friend, Guevara, in the jungle of The Congo and give away his whereabouts when he was sent there a year earlier by Castro himself to instigate a people’s revolution. Castro received a standing ovation as a diplomat, and “Che” got political martyrdom, a status that allows you to be put on tee-shirts.

In 1976, the world finally gave the guy some attention, and said, “Look, we’ll gonna give you a break so you stop knocking on our door asking for food and weapons, which we don’t really find to be in our interest. We have plenty of sugar!” The international community donated over two hundred million dollars in aid packages over the next several years. (Translation: they sent food to Cuba. Apparently, the “Revolution” didn’t contain any provisions for a self-sustained food source.)

So, what did Fidel decide to do? He tightened travel restrictions on Cuban citizens (meaning, no travel whatsoever) and released overcrowded jails filled with violent offenders mixed with political prisoners to the United States.

So, it’s pretty fair to say, that while never engaging in infrastructure improvement, and surviving some of the most ludicrous attempts by the US government to assassinate him, (which included botched invasions and exploding cigars, yes, EXPLODING CIGARS) Castro’s Marxist interpretations included attacking the Catholic Church while directly appealing to the Pope himself for aid. The Pontiff saw quite clearly that a starving flock would often stray, a common sense approach that never really struck Castro as being very useful, the Church of Rome gave $3.5 billion in aid over the next 15 years.

After forming an on-again off-again flirtation with the Soviet Union, Fidel Castro’s legacy will go down as a tough leader who out lived, out stretched, and out ruled his most hated enemies; which would be the leaders of The United States of America. (The reason for this is because in The United States, there is something called a term limit, and in the U.S., figure head leaders don’t stay put for 50 years wearing the same uniform.)

One must remember that Fidel Castro is the crazy son of bitch who once stated that he would risk the life of every single one of his people in order to make a point in his attitude towards The United Stated (which he once attempted to embrace as an ally.)

One simple quote from a speech he gave in early 1962:
“We can negotiate in all sincerity and in all honor. However, we would not be honorable if we were to consent to negotiate a sovereign right of our country. We are prepared to pay the necessary price for these rights, and this is not just so much talk, but an attitude very keenly felt by our people.”

So, there you have it.

Fidel Castro was ready and “prepared to pay the necessary price”… which would be the complete annihilation of his tiny island.

Cubans didn’t exactly share his sentiment. And so the majority of them will wish him a “Bon Voyage” in the coming days.

In closing, Fidel Castro will simply be remembered as the lug headed bearded guy who trips and falls at baseball games, and outlived President Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Reagan; he also had to deal with Jimmy Carter, Bush I, Clinton, and Bush II. Not to mention, the little known “Russian Stooge” (Curly Joe’s second cousin) as pictured below.

Castro with Khrushchev

All In Good Fun...

But All Good Things Must Come To An End...

A natural occurrence, a violent end, a national tragedy…

WHO CARES!

This weekly list has been complied by a sophisticated algorithm that takes into account several factors, such as annoyance, impact on the planet, their age, occupation, and how much better off we, the human race, would be without them.

With malice toward none, charity for all, and for god sakes, get rid of these people… we would like your input as to determining causes, and your feedback on how accurate you think we are in our forecast for the tragic losses that should occur during 2007.

This list includes “celebrities” (that ever evolving group of morons who somehow become tabloid fodder and personal idiocies which are then thrust upon us as if it were actual news.) These are the people who tell us how to vote, put out their own cologne, and waste valuable resources, such as oxygen.

The list also includes “public figures” such as politicians, cabinet members, and other generally annoying figures that take money and say what they’re told. On this list are the morons who find it somewhat entertaining to screw the planet and find clever ways to scare the living crap out of us, while at the same time, driving us completely mad with the constant hammering home of our polite irrelevance.

The list also has “athletes” who should really give most of their salary back and keep their mouth shut.

There are some random people on here who simply don’t fall into any category, yet, I’m going to predict their demise anyhow.

And last but not least, we have compiled a list of people who should really die again; a second death, because their lives were so atrocious that their death the first time around was just so much damn fun that it deserves to be repeated.

-disclaimer

We hope you enjoy, of course, all in good fun, and every bit of it is true, expect for the lies.