Bill O’Reilly Angry, Explodes

Bill O'Reilly Bursts Into A Sphere of Anger, Opinion,
Self-righteousness - Later Exlplodes, Presumed Dead, No Body Found

Death Notice:

(Popular Commentator / American Culture Warrior / Asshole)

Bill O'Reilly died Monday evening during an interview with Muslim clerics. Local police have described the event as a “combustible temper tantrum,” as O’Reilly literally exploded into a fiery ball of ethnic slurs, arrogance, opinion, and self-righteousness.

As O’Reilly attempted to “cut the mic,” one Muslim cleric continued, prompting O’Reilly to tell him to “Shut up, you Philistine, you Terrorist, you Sand Nigger!” Angry at his technical staff, and as the insults grew in both volume and splendor, Bill O’Reilly began ripping large chunks of wood and plastic from his desk, as he elevated from his chair, hair standing on end, his head then burst into flames.

Witnesses said that within a flash, Bill O’Reilly was nothing more than a spinning wheel of gas, fury, and blind assumptions.

The broadcast will not be aired, since O’Reilly streaked off the set, bouncing from floor to ceiling, into walls, through the hallway, into corridors, and eventually igniting everything in his path on fire. (Kinda like the dude on the Fantastic 4. Just this time, the building caught on fire.)

O’Reilly took down the entire Fox News Building with him, as a stunned crowd of thousands stood in the street in awe as one floor after another simply vanished in smoke filled rubble, till nothing was left other than a wheezing 800 square foot hole in the ground. At this time, terrorism has not yet been ruled out.

As a requisite protocol, President George W. Bush was taken from his nightly diction class and rushed to his make shift fort that he made out of boxes and pillows in his bedroom at The White House.

Dick Cheney was later debriefed on the incident, only after being interrupted by the POTUS for Dick to sing him his nightly bedtime song.

Bill O’Reilly, Culture Warrior, Commentator, all around American asshole; dead at the age of 58

In Memoriam

Bill O’Reilly, host of the controversial "The O'Reilly Factor" was at once the most controversial and thoroughly enjoyable news pundit on the Fox News Channel. No one had quite the “polarizing” effect as Bill O’Reilly; while at once serving as the voice “of the common man, crusading for the very roots of American Culture,” at the same time shoving his head so far up his ass that crew members on set would at times pass out from the vile stench protruding from the noises of this arrogant wind bag. Shouting matches (which frequently occurred) usually transcended comedy and came quite near the specter of Conservative politics.

It’s really too bad that his time is up, because his blend of news analysis with investigative reporting, "The Factor" has gained international prominence as “The Number One Show!” (USA Today) - to cause people to either kick their television sets over, or beat their spouses with a sack full of rocks.

He claimed to be the unwavering bedrock of Social Conservatism who dismissed such progressive notions as “fact, truth and sensibility.” He went the other way, sticking to his guns of “God, Family, and Xenophobia.” His controversial “tough question” style really helped define the term “Ugly American” or “Stupid American” since his show was broadcasted in over 30 countries. And his popularity in the United States rather reflects who we are, or who we hate, since “The Radio Factor,” a two hour call in program, is heard on more than 400 stations in the United States and has become one of the most profitable radio franchises in the nation.

Bill O’Reilly’s opinions, rants, and languid prose are simply summed up like this: it kind of feels like you’re being smothered by a sandwich… it sort of tastes good, but still, you’re dying.

It was never quite sure if O’Reilly knew what he was saying before he said it; becoming famous for such remarks as (when questioning the US Ambassador to Iraq):

TRANSCRIPT: “You’re a terrorist; don’t even bother to deny it. You’d just assume kill innocent women and children, even your own mother!”

And other memorable quotes such as:

TRANSCRIPT: “So, we have these “guest workers” these Mexicans, whatever you want to call them, spicks, illegals… who we have to pay for their medical needs, they sell drugs, don’t work, and now, I’m expected to learn Spanish! And this is The United States of America what the Democrats want to do to our country…”

And his most famous position:

TRANSCRIPT: “So, we lost 27 soldiers today, but remember… it’s just a step in winning the war on terror. So, have trust in our President, I know I do, and don’t forget that he stated… for every American Soldier killed, we’ll retaliate by killing several hundred thousand unarmed Arab civilians until the blood shed stops. It makes perfect sense to me. I don’t know why people have such a hard time understanding this.”

In his spare time, Bill O’Reilly used to like to take naps.